Dearest Falie,
Assalamualaikum. I write this letter from the future, in the year 2012. Yep, this means we made it to 31. And no, the world hasn't ended. Yet.
I know you're still trying to get over the fact that I'm 31. It's so...old, isn't it? You think that people over 30 are boring uncles and aunties. You're right. You're also wrong. I'm an uncle of two and I'm loving it. You guessed it. Kasha finally met Mr Right, and he's a good guy. He makes her whole (and she's now a whole lot of woman). Oh. And Faiz is married. I know, right? Faiz having a best friend is one thing, but married to her? He's a lucky kid, but we've always known that, haven't we?
Me? Let's get comfortable and I'll tell you about it in time. I have lots to tell you, and I hope it will not change the course of our future. First: you will not stay the smallest kid on the block. Granted, you'll be the shortest among the male cousins, but you'll reach average height. And once you hit the gym (that will not be until 2010, sadly), you will be more than skin and bones. You will reach average height and build, and even though your face will remain average, you will be able to afford a personal hair stylist, top range skincare products, and designer clothes. Look forward to all those.
On your side, the year is 1997 and you just turned 16. I remember there was nothing sweet about it, other than your birthday dinner. Nothing bitter, either, so be thankful for that. God. 16. Was I that young? (I know you're still thinking, "God. 31. That old?") At 16, I remember being most impressed with myself for writing a short story for Garudamas. The Fantasy about silver wolves, right? You're the Malay kid who published English stories using impeccable grammar and bombastic words. Let me be blunt: dude, you suck. Get over yourself. Your stories have no depth other than what dramas like "Felicity" and "Jack & Jill" inspire you to write. Granted, those are awesome shows, but honest to God the stories you'll produce for the next 5 years or so are atrocious (see "purple prose").
Worry not. You will get better. You will become a published author, so the endless squiggles that took up whole books that you did when you were 5 will eventually pay off. I think by now you have received the best advice you will ever get on writing, by both Mrs Brahma and Datin Matilda: in exams, do not write stories. Choose descriptive writing instead. Our forte is in description and in the ties of relationships.
Speaking of, you are comfortable being a loner, aren't you? Faiz told us once that he had many friends, and we stuck to the few that we had. And our reply was that while our friends were few, they could be trusted.
Fuck that. They will all betray you. You will lose every single friend you ever made at school, and you will start over again. But you have that instinct, haven't you? That's why you never fully trust anyone. That's why you keep pushing people away, testing the limits of friendship. That's why you always keep part of yourself hidden away. I still do that. I push and pull, letting people in but always at a distance, and even though the distance gives me perspective on human relations, which in turn makes my writing all the more powerful, but reality will never match the standard I have set.
Like you, I am most comfortable when I'm alone. I still play computer games. They're mostly online now, and the speed is 20MBPS, not 56KBPS, and it's always connected, and you don't have to connect the modem and hear the funny dialing sound, and you won't have to hear Papa or Kasha screaming to get off the net so they could use the phone--I know, right?. I still read comics, though not as much. Best of all, however, is that I can afford to buy at least ten storybooks A MONTH. That's T-E-N. At least. Isn't that awesomesauce or what?
People don't get that. Not even Mama. Everyone thinks that to be happy, you have to find a spouse. You have to procreate. Only then you are considered successful and happy. Fuck that. Fuck them all to ashes. Remember our pact? We don't plan to live longer than 40 years, so what's the point of it all? Yeah, I still think 40 is ANCIENT. Let me assure you, I love being alone. Sure, sometimes I do get that pang of loneliness, but only sometimes, mind.
Oh. Since last December, I am living on loaned time. Not borrowed, since I do not have cancer (touch wood). Loaned. Because life after last December comes at a steep price. I won't get into the details because you may plan to avoid the life-changing event and irrevocably alter the course of the future. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay the debt, and I'm doing my best to make ends meet. I was forced into adulthood, and even though I'm clinging hard to the child in me, I'm slipping away.
Sorry. It's a bleak future I'm painting, isn't it?
What I can safely tell you is that you will lead a blessed life. There will be hardships. There will be instances when you think you can't go any further, but despite your small frame, you have strength that may surprise even yourself. Your roads will be paved with opportunities, both scientifically and artistically, that not many people can afford (and I'm not talking about money. I'm not a millionaire, mind).
The reason why I'm telling you only the bad stuff and not much of the good: I want you prepared without revealing too much, and I don't want to spoil the fun of discovering new things. I hope that even at 40, we will never lose that sense of wonder that makes us an eternal child.
I can't remember how the day was back in 1997, but today it's beautiful. Blue sky with a dash of cotton candy clouds, loving family and friends wishing me a wonderful birthday, pavlova that I baked (yeah, I'm surprised at myself too), and most of all, the wealth of health.
I hope this letter will somehow enter the miracle that is cyberspace, through the loophole of time-space-continuum, and reach you, even if it's just to tell you that I love you. That I am proud of you. Even if it's just to tell you that eventually, thing will get better, and that you will find happiness--this one is a message for myself too, as I am still searching for that happiness. Believe.
Always,
Fadzlishah Johanabas
October 20, 2012
I've been reading your blog and I admire how u write with so much honesty. You studied in SJI right? Did you also go to SRK St John 2? I was from there and I was just curious whether you also from there. Moved to a different secondary school due to something that happened there which if you were studying in St John 2 you would know about I think (involve PJK teacher). If you are from St John 2 do wish we can connect and chat.
If not, pls ignore this! Thanks.
Posted by: Sw Low | Thursday, December 06, 2012 at 06:34 AM