My Loneliness

 

 

"When we were kids, we were lonely because we didn't have friends. Now that we're all grown up, this loneliness grows deeper.

If we can love someone so much, how will we handle the day we have to separate? And, if being separated is a part of life, and you know that very well, is it possible for us to love someone and never be afraid of losing them?

At the same time, I wonder...is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving anyone at all?

This is it. This is my loneliness."

- Mew, Love of Siam.

 

It's a particular feeling, where you're sitting in the middle of a crowd and people are rising and walking away, and you're eventually alone, left behind by someone who's not even there in the first place. And you sit there unmoving, waiting. For the right person, maybe. For the right moment. The longer you wait, the bigger the disappointment. Soon it consumes you, becomes you.

You can't help yourself. You wait.

For all my eloquence, I do not know how to illustrate this loneliness better. It's something I've lived with all my life. Don't get me wrong; I'm surrounded by people I love, and who love in in return. But there's always this emptiness inside me, and it grows larger and larger. I am afraid of it, but at the same time I am afraid to lose it.

Growing up, I didn't have that many friends. I was socially awkward, and one of my closest friends in primary school eventually played a role in making me a social pariah at the end of high school. People were more interested in befriending me for the homeworks I would let them copy and for the stationaries I brought, and I encouraged them. To me it became the only way to make friends, to maintain friendships. I grew up believing I have to offer something in order to make friends, and I have to prove myself worthy of that friendship.

Ironically, because of this I am treated as a useful pet, and am ridiculed behind my back. Even now, even among so-called colleagues and friends. If only I was just being my melodramatic self. It's sad how I do my best to be useful to my friends, and to help them any way I can, just to find out second-hand that the same friends go to the extent of joking among themselves how I like to show off the things I have like wearing my headphones on my way to work.

I know that I do not think, I do not act in ways that conform to certain social circles. I'm too outspoken and flamboyant among professionals, but too stiff and conservative among artisans. I am both; I am none. I've never belonged anywhere.

Still. This is not the sole reason why I put on a sunny demeanor every single day while hiding behind a wall, not letting anyone too close. This is not the reason why I feel alone, hating it, but afraid of letting it go.

My father is not the best role model a son can have. He's not a role model at all, for that matter. I grew up hating him, fearing him, and hating myself for fearing him. He abused my mother, verbally, physically, emotionally and financially, and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I had cowered, and I still haven't forgiven myself for it. I've often told my brother that he's like our father, and he needs to change.

Truth is, I've inherited so much of my father, more than Faiz ever has. I am the best of both my parents, and I am the worst of them, magnified. I can live with inheriting my mother's tendency to nag, to use guilt as a weapon, to be loud and persistent (persistence is not always a good trait). But it's my father's darkness that scares me, because it's always lurking, threatening to engulf everything that I am. It's his crazy eyes that I see in the mirror, it's his tendency to hit others that I fear.

You see, I have hit a girl once, back in Form 5. I was blinded by anger that I grabbed her windbreaker, lifted her and pushed her smack onto the wall. I saw the fear in her eyes, and the surprise that turned to hatred in my then best friend's.

The problem with having my memory: things tend to stay vivid for the longest times.

I've worked my damnest to keep the darkness in check, but whenever I'm dead tired from work, and my guards are down, that darkness takes over. I tend to snap and yell at my family, and I've on occasion slammed my hand on my desk and left the clinic to prevent myself from snapping at rude patients.

What if I let someone in? What if I let my guard down? What if I hit and kick the person I love like my father did my mom? A want to have children of my own, but what if I hit them like my father hit me? What if my children ended up hitting me back and chasing me from the house, like I did my father?

I cannot take the risk. That's why I've chosen to be alone, even when what I need the most is someone hugging me, whispering into my ears that everything will be all right, that I'm not alone. God, what I would give for that.

I am my father's son, and I can never run away from that. This is why I hate him, and this is why I hate myself. This is also why I can never bring myself to love others. And this is why, despite knowing I'm ridiculed, I blind my eyes and deafen my ears, because I cannot afford to lose family and friends, because anything is better than nothing. Because the nothing scares me witless, but opening up to possibilities scares me even more.

I am sitting in the middle of a crowd, and they will eventually leave. I have nowhere to go, I have no one to turn to. I am waiting for someone long gone, for someone who's never been here before. I have chosen not to experience love at all rather than risk destroying love.

This is it. This is my loneliness.

Comments

[hantu]

stop being such a drama queen, fadz. when are you going to grow up and learn to take responsibility for your own fuck ups??

[hantu]

only a LOSER blames his father for his own mistakes.

[hantu]

you are very quick to find fault and attack others. but when others comment on you in turn, you give the pitiful drama queen act.

[hantu]

kawan, you have never tasted suffering. that's why you're so lembik. and by continuing to write self-pitying posts, you only confirm that.

[pontianak]

What the hell is wrong with the above commenter? I came here following links about Malaysian English writers and am exposed to this kind of harrassment? Grow up, dude. Anonymity does not give you leave to be hateful.

[Kasha]

Falie, I've been there too, felt like no one ever understood me, heck, most times I don't even understand myself of why I am so angry all the time. I have took it out on you guys on many occasions and I do regret it but as with you, I have Papa's darkness in me too - his ego. it's harder for me to admit my fault and apologize than it is to hurt people I love. but at least you are making an effort of understanding this about yourself and confronting your darkness whereas I choose to just bury it and hope it never comes out.

Falie, take it from me, who have been through my share of shady men whom I know were just using me and will hurt me eventually, but I didn't care because they gave me attention and made me feel less pathetic and forever alone at the moment. Though I did not hurt others, I have the tendency to hurt myself, it's like I enjoyed the pain coz it makes me feel alive and when I did not feel being used and emotionally tortured, I just didn't know what to make of myself ... just like Mama. it was when I gave up on finding someone to take away the lonely that Ayis and I found each other (coz he was giving up on 'relationshits' too)... I promise you, you will find someone who will understand you and accepts you for everything you are. but in the meantime, as long as you got us, you'll never be alone.

don't be too hard on yourself. I don't self-deprecation in any part of our parents' qualities.

ILOCHI, brother.

[Dayana]

Allah is always there whenever you needed him. Get closer to him and you won't feel as lonely anymore, insyaallah. :)

[pancut]

go fuck your mother, pontianak pussy. i don't have to give face to MURDERERS. (laughs)

[pancut]

your hero, fadz, drove his car too fast and smashed into another car, killing someone's father and husband. BUNGKUS!! and instead of admitting to his crime and changing his attitude, he throws a drama queen act. that proofs he's not insaf at all.

[pancut]

so don't talk to me about HARASSMENT!! harassment is when this son of a donkey decides to post up vain pictures of his new car while someone lies dead and buried.

this fellow has no damned conscience at all!!

[pancut]

lonely? lonely my ass. what about the widow who is now lonely because fadz killed her husband? what about the children who are now lonely because their father is gone?

enough with the drama queen act.

[Kasha]

Falie, i wanna say something to this fucking coward & loser who's trolling you but I rather reserve it for somebody who's MAN enough for that. but i, and in fact all your nice readers will chime in as well, think you should disable anon comments altogether. we love your musings, but the comments are leaving us feeling uncomfortable and in rage. please, if you don't do it for us, do it for yourself. you've been through enough already.

[pancut]

oi thosai. you seriously have your priorities screwed up. fadz MURDERED someone's father/brother and you have the cheek to get upset with ME over expressing a few choice words??

[pancut]

tsk, tsk, talk about being biased.

[pancut]

fadz is an arrogant piece of shit who lives in a fantasy world. he turned a whole family's life upside down and he still has the mentality to fuck here, fuck there with his worthless musing.

perasan.

[Account Deleted]

eh, bully. the reason why fadz has never reveal details about the accident is because it's still an ongoing case. he DID NOT murder that person. it was an accident. are you too stupid to understand what constitutes as an accident?

you were not there so you did not know what happened and you have no right to say all these things regarding the accident. fadz HAD to drive home that unfortunate day because he found out his mom was sick. and to add to the situation, it was raining that evening. also, the driver was not wearing seatbelt and he drove, unfortunately, a Malaysian car which had no airbags. also, the nearest hospital was way too far and was not equipped to handle the case. but again, as accidents are, it probably would not make a difference if it was God's will to take a life on that road that day.

i know you are be too dense and clouded up there on your high horse to care about the surface details of the accident, but I am telling this for the benefit of all the other readers coz they deserve to know how big of an ass you just made yourself all these while.

[Fadzlishah Johanabas]

You want to know why you can never break me? This is why. My family has my back.

Thanks, Kasha. Much love and gratitude.