Dear internet bully

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words can never hurt me."

Dear internet bully,

Thank you for the time you've taken to read my posts and leave your comments. I had fully intended to ride the cruel words out, but as they became more desperate and malicious, I decided to take my loved ones' advice to take them down. But I believe snuffing you out will do you a great injustice; after all, you have made an effort to think up those nasty words.

So, to honor you, I shall post all the comments here.

April 27, 2012. 12:07
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

i think it's incredibly arrogant and shameless of you to show off your new car while someone's loved one lies dead and rotting in the ground because of your dangerous driving. how on earth did you escape a manslaughter charge? bribed the police, did you? you are both a COWARD and a LOSER! toodles, asshole. karma is a bitch, and one day, someone will kill your loved one, and we'll see then how you like it. padan muka.

April 27, 2012. 14:59
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

ooo...maybe you should consider writing a story about how you smashed up and murdered someone's husband and father. that would be an absolute kicker. but guess what? i'm betting you don't have the guts to own up to your crime. man, the fact that you can still write soppy love stories after the the lives you have destroyed says a lot. you truly are a COWARD and a LOSER. (laughs)

April 27, 2012. 15:03
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

(laughs) kurang steady, fadz. kurang steady. the fact that you can be so bromantic even after committing murder shows what a thickskinned asshole you are.

April 27, 2012. 15:05
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

yada-yada-yada-yada. were you listening to any of these songs when you murdered someone's husband and father? were you? ^_^ (laughs)

April 27, 2012. 15:06
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

ooo...noble indeed. i feel a tear running down my cheek. not. (laughs)

April 30, 2012. 13:37
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

^_^ bruder, don't preach to us about your sappy words of wisdom lar. nothing will change the fact you MURDERED someone's husband and father and yet you are still enjoying life after the incident. boo hoo. no shame at all.

May 1, 2012. 14:43
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

fadz, fadz, mana engkau, fadz? sibuk melancap ar? (laughs)

May 2, 2012. 14:07
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

whoi, fadz. don't be such a COWARD. stop wanking off and come own up to your MURDEROUS crime. because of you, someone's husband and father is rotting in the ground. you want to be a man and own up to it? or do you want to continue hiding?

May 2, 2012. 18:32
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

PS: all the photos were taken by a self-loving pepek who just wants to display his toys and rub salt on other people's wounds. goes to show that stupidity runs in the family, really. just saying.

May 2, 2012. 18:33
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 202.36.33.100

pukimak. (laughs)

May 4, 2012. 07:54
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 118.148.211.233

COWARD noun: a person who is contemptibly lacking in the courage to do or endure difficult things.

May 4, 2012. 07:55
Sender: john 'fucking idiot' ling
IP address: 118.148.211.233

MURDERER noun: a person who commits murder.

May 8, 2012. 16:39
Sender: [email protected]
IP address: 188.165.201.94

my name is fadz and i am a coward and a murderer. i drove too fast, crashed into another car and killed someone's father and son. BUNGKUS! after that, i bribed the police so i could escape a manslaughter charge. then i went home to melancap until i pancut. TERROR ya?

May 8, 2012. 16:40
Sender: [email protected]
IP address: 188.165.201.94

May 8, 2012. 16:45
Sender: [email protected]
IP address: 188.165.201.94

i am also proud of my new car. check it out, brudders and sistahs. i am very vain.

May 8, 2012. 16:48
Sender: [email protected]
IP address: 188.165.201.94

i am also proud of my new car. check it out, brudders and sistahs. i am very vain.

_____________________________________________________

There is a reason for the idiom at the beginning of this post. I need to highlight how untrue it is. Sticks and stones may break my bones, though that is unlikely. Words, however, when properly aimed, can and will hurt. Words can break a person as easily as they can mend a broken heart.

The drawback to the internet is that bullying wears a more frightening form. People hide behind the safety of anonymity and throw malicious words at others without having to worry about consequences.

There are always, always, consequences. Newton's third law: to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. As bullies get empowered and emboldened by squashing others, the victims suffer more and more.

I do not believe these messages came from John Ling. We have different opinions on almost everything, but when we last parted, we did so amicably. Even though my usual demeanor in public is cheerful, I have made myself a fair share of disgruntled people who do not appreciate my outspokenness. As I am internationally published, I do have trolls from other countries as well. However, the timing of the comments--they started just before my exam--and the usage of Malay words kinda limit the troll's identity. The IP addresses pointed to Auckland, New Zealand and the ones today were from somewhere in France. IP addresses can be manipulated, of course, and I do not have the resources to trace the original sender(s).

As I read through the comments, my first thoughts were not of anger or indignation, but of concern. This person is unhinged, I thought. What if this person needs help? Because that is who I am. People who know me know that this is true. That was the reason I wanted to ride the comments out. I want to let the story behind the malicious comments unravel on its own, so I can understand the person behind the comments.

That was how I survived bullies throughout my schooling years. I was a small and thin kid without a gang to back me up. Potential bullies came and went, but they ended up leaving me alone or became friends with me. Bullies are inherently insecure. That's the one truth everyone should be well aware of. Bullies are insecure and they need something to help them feel better about themselves. They pick on easy targets because chances are the people they bully will not retaliate. They pick on certain individuals because those individuals have something they don't and long for.

Again, the internet has made bullying all the more easier. People say whatever they want, however they want, and get away with it.

Here's another truth: I am still living the nightmare that is the accident even though 5 months have passed. I can recall every detail; I can hear the crash, the sudden silence, and the following screams and cries; I can smell the spilled petrol, the burnt tires, the blood. I still see the face of the little girl I asked to be placed near me so I could assess her consciousness and her injuries. I still see her mother's bloodied form as she lay beside me in the ambulance, as I apologized non-stop.

Whenever I feel good about myself, I am reminded of the guilt, though I am not at fault. The accident happened. It was unavoidable. I could have lost my life there and then, but I didn't. To this day I still question God why I survived. My guilt is for surviving, for healing, for wanting to move on.

You, my friend, have managed to give strength to my inner voice. I am already broken, but you have helped scatter the pieces even farther apart. I do not know if that was your aim, but I will tell you that if it was, you have succeeded.

I am a loser. I am a coward. But I am not a murderer. Someone's life was lost that day. A son, a husband, a father. There was a reason he passed away when the rest of his family sustained only mild to moderate injuries. You do not know that because not many people know that.

I need to move on. If I don't, this grief will consume me. So please, own up your true identity so we can have a chat, so I can understand you. If not, I hope you will have it in your heart to cease your attacks.

Because words hurt. Words break.

And I am already broken.

Always,

Fadz.