I have thought long and hard for a great title for my list of 30 for my 30th birthday. I thought about it so much I ended up not writing down the list until now. Then this title came to me while I was driving. Maybe you'll find the title misleading once you finish reading this post.
Maybe you'll find something hidden inside that can be used to one day save my life.
So. Just like how I am in person, this will neither be a top-30 list, nor will it be written in any particular order. These are random thoughts by someone whose mind is an organized chaos.
1. I used to think that 30 is old. It's the age of uncles and aunties, boring adults who whose life is centered around raising children and making ends meet to pay the bills. In truth...I wasn't that far off. Most of my friends are married, with two or three children, and are responsible adults. Even one of my best friends Izzac, whose Casanova antics I held in fond exasperation, has become a father of two, and is one of the most responsible adults I've had the pleasure of knowing.
But. Maybe I'm still in denial, but 30 feels the same as 25. I'm still the same goofy boy who refuses to grow up. Plus, I look 23 at most. I'm thankful for that (Mama insists I received the youthful gene codes from her).
2. I know I should be saving for my future, but I honestly can't see myself over the age of 50. Even thinking about 30 scared the bejeebus out of me. I work hard for my money, and I love spoiling my family. I spoil myself even more, but hey. I should, however, learn to curb my credit card(s) usage.
3. I have learned from experience that if people do not read your stories/books, it's not because you're a Person of Color (POC), a minority, a woman, a man, someone handicapped, someone already dead, or someone gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered (GLBT). When I pick up a book, it's because I'm attracted to the cover, and the teaser at the back intrigues me. I look up the author ONLY IF I'm blown by the story/writing, so that I can look for more titles by said author. So if your work doesn't sell, it's because it's not good enough to be spread by word-of-mouth. Or your cover sucks. Or both.
This can be applied in other aspects of life, including the medical field. When I first started managing our Neurosurgery clinic early 2007, quite a number of patients refused to see me, insisting to see a 'real doctor' instead. I'm quite flattered to discover that some patients STILL say the same thing. Funnily enough, the same patients later on insisted on seeing me and no one else. You see, your reputation depends on your delivery, on whether you've earned someone's trust.
4. Remember to always have fun no matter what you do. Things may get hard and depressing, but if you find pockets of joyous moments, you'll do fine.
5. No matter how I say this, I may end up disgusting you. Things have always come easily for me. I may not be the best at the things I do, but I'm still good at them. Learning, reading, writing, illustrating, photography, gaming, technology-related matters, being a doctor, singing and songwriting; whatever I set my mind to do, I can adept pretty well. I doubt I'm a genius. People who know me well will attest to my fair share of blond moments.
There's a drawback to this, however. I do not have the drive of someone who wants something so bad they'll do anything. I do not have passion. Because of this, I hold myself back from greatness.
6. I have cycles of depressive moods, usually every 3 months or so. There are days I just can't get out of bed, and during the worst moments, I think about ways to end my life. It's a good thing I can tell myself, "Been there, done that, and it ain't fun." I always bear this quietly, withdrawing into myself while keeping a cheerful facade. There's only one person I've actually confessed this to, and sought support from. Reza. He knows exactly when I'm hit with these attacks, and he did his best to help me through the darkest of days. We may no longer be friends, but I don't think I'll ever regret revealing this major flaw of mine to him.
7. Speaking of Reza, if there's one thing I can change, if there's one thing I'll always regret, it's losing my best friend. Once in a while I'll dream about us being close again, and I wake up lighter, knowing that in an alternate universe somewhere, we're friends.
8. I think I'll always love playing music full-blast and dance to the beat despite the fact that
(a) I don't dance well
(b) People around me give me funny looks and outright stares
Yes. When I have my earphones on, I have a tendency to more than sway to the music I'm listening to regardless where I am: in the LRT, while filling up the petrol tank, at Kinokuniya, while going up/down the escalator, while driving, anywhere. I don't care if people think I'm crazy. I don't care if I look foolish. See (4). Music gives me pockets of joyous moments, and I have fun whenever I can.
9. I have been in a romantic relationship or two before, but I have been single most of my life. Growing up different from the people around me (family included), I have learned to rely on myself. Granted, I used to rely heavily on Mama for monetary support and guidance (I still rely on her for guidance, and I sometimes borrow her money on a short-term basis). Even though I have a healthy number of close friends who have my back, there's always this wall around me.
I'll be honest. I'm not interested in getting married. I'm not interested in building a family. Even though I romanticize relationships and I sometimes yearn to have someone to wake up next to, I'm not interested to have any long-term relationships. Maybe one day I'll change my mind, and by then maybe it'll be too late. Lots of maybes. What's definite is that I'm one of those eccentric characters you may have heard of who ends up living alone in a big house full of cats. You may not understand why I am like this, and it doesn't matter. You may pity me or think of me in a weird way, and it doesn't matter either. I'm happy most of the time, except when I'm facing my depression cycles--see (6)--and to me, that's a blessing.
10. Hell. I'm a 30-year-old virgin. I know it's lame, and for Westerners, this is something to be worried about. I may not pray the requisite 5 times a day, and I'm not that good a Muslim, but I've been brought up well enough to stay away from alcohol, gambling and extramarital sex. I have kissed before (surprised?), but...I dunno...how does a person miss something he has never experienced? Besides, I have my left hand and a steady supply of internet porn.
Yeah, too much info. Moving on...
11. On the same note--not internet porn, you perv--people think I'm gay. I have a particular uncle who bombards me with the same question every time I meet up with him: "Are you gay?" Sure, I have my gay moments, but then again, who doesn't? Those of you who immediately get defensive, you know that denial is your mind trying to hide something, right? I find beautiful people attractive, regardless the gender. I imagine them in the stories I write, in portraits I draw, in possible pictures I can take. I am attuned to my artistic nature.
I am open-minded. If someone loves me in earnest, and I love that person in return, it's a recipe for a successful relationship. Does that make me gay? I don't know. What I know is that I have flashes of daydreams that I sometimes use for Tender Moments, and I always see myself with a woman with long, wavy hair, and deep dimples, a woman whose eyes I can drown in.
12. I love to dress up for the occasion. Yeah, it's a mistake to write this immediately after (11). Whatever. My mom loves to dress up, especially to work. She instilled this value in all three of us, and even though Kasha and Faiz wear almost exclusively black, all of us still make an effort to present ourselves well when we go out in public. To me, being a doctor involves customer service. If I dress up impeccably, it says something about the level of my work ethics. Patients and nurses who light up when they see me in my vest or cardigan or blazer tend to be in a better mood, and this makes working so much more fun.
Of course, people say I look like a retro rock star, and this is not necessarily good, especially among specialists and lecturers. Doctors are professionals, and dyed hair--it's either mahogany or burgundy, nothing lighter, honest!--and fancy shirts with accessories (despite the fact that they adhere to Western formal wear etiquette) do not reflect professionalism. Well, like Mr. Ramesh advised me, I'll just have to endure this until I get my Master's Degree. If I end up a head of department somewhere, I'll impose a dress code like Datuk Ridzuan used to when he was in charge of Plastic Surgery unit in HKL. Or not.
13. My tongue stumbles at times, and I garble words and sometimes even phrases. I notice that it's getting worse. Because I refuse to think about anything sinister, I equate this with a trade-off with my increasing eloquence in writing. You gain some, you lose some. Right?
14. Remember (9)? Despite not having the slightest interest in getting married, I simply adore children. I'll do anything for Arwen, and I think I've spoiled her more than I should (sorry, Kasha and Ayis!). Babies and toddlers seem to instinctively trust me for some reason--well, there are always exceptions, like Nadia's daughter Alia. It's like there's an understanding between us, between child and grown-child. When it comes to children, my paternal instinct overrides everything else.
Would I want to have children of my own? One day, yes. But I always worry I won't be a good father, that I won't be able to provide for them spiritually.
15. Speaking of which, my soul is a boat adrift at sea. I think I've mentioned this a few times in previous posts, so I won't talk much about it here. I've been lost since that suicide attempt back in 1993, and I'm drifting further and further away without a compass to guide me. I miss God, and from the values I still hold, I think my subconscious is telling me that the Almighty has not given up on me. Even most of the stories I write touch on spirituality.
16. For 30 years, I have lived for others. For my parents, for my siblings, for Reza, for my bosses and consultants at work. And this is where I shine the brightest. People have high expectations from me, and I don't want to disappoint any of them. However, when it comes to living for myself, I don't have the drive. Writing and drawing are the only things I do for myself and not for others. Even though I am good at both, I don't have the drive to push myself further, harder, better.
Still. I refuse to start doing these for others, because writing and drawing are the only things I have for myself. I pour part of my soul into my craft, and even though they leave me drained at times, it's okay.
17. Despite what people say, I am not metrosexual. I tried getting a facial once, but after getting my face all bloated up, I wrote it off. Yes, my wardrobe is overflowing with clothes, and I don't wear the same clothes in public more than once in at least two weeks, but it's because I dress well. Yes, I have my very own hair stylist since 2001, but that's a long story.
I'm not metrosexual. End of discussion.
18. I'm not good-looking, but I turn heads whenever I walk across a room or a corridor. I think it's the way I dress, the way I carry myself. Sometimes, when I feel like deluding myself, I think it's because I have a pleasant face, too.
19. I have a hint of cleavage now and I'm not shy to expose it a la Christina Aguilera. Why shouldn't I? It's the I-worked-so-goddamn-hard-for-this variant. Hah!
Yeah. Not such a pleasant mental image I just gave you, right?
20. I have grown out of buying comics and this scares me. It means I'm slowly growing up even though I'm doing my best to keep adulthood at bay. I still play World of Warcraft, but not as hardcore as before. I'm still surrounded by electronic gadgets (my toys) such as my Alienware, the iPad, the iPhone, my old desktop, the PS3, the PSP, my spanking new headphones, a semi-acoustic guitar, you get my drift. What can I say, I'm technophilic. Hmm...somehow, the jingle "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys 'R Us kid" keeps playing in my head.
21. I find people who seek monetary help for medical procedures that can be done in public hospitals annoying. They say the need to raise RM20,000 or more (sometimes up to RM500,000) for surgeries that can be done for less than RM200. If they have a written certification that the procedure is not offered in Malaysia, and a specialist needs to be flown here (or the patient needs to go overseas), I'll be one of the first in line to help such patients. Unfortunately, most of these people who appear in TV, talk shows and newspapers want to raise money to experience the comfort a private center has to offer and refuse to be treated at a public hospital, and this heinous act is just taking advantage of the public's goodwill.
22. Fighting for a cause is good, but only if you are fully aware of the ins and outs of the cause, and you sincerely want things to get better. Making a commotion just to show that you are against the system, you are against The Man, and all that jazz, well, it's just plain immature.
If you raise hell to make sure a public building such as a school or a hospital has access ramps for wheelchair-bound people, God bless you. If you raise hell to make sure girls get equal opportunities to be educated, God bless you. If you raise hell to stop intra-office discrimination, God bless you.
If you raise hell for something because of blind faith, so simply because you want to raise hell and ruffle a few feathers, well, go to hell and shut the hell up, will ya?
23. I would appreciate it if my colleagues stop calling me Doctor. I wasn't born with the title, and despite what people think, Medical School wasn't extremely tough. Even if patients call me 'Adik' or just plain Fadz, I'm cool with it. I'm a firm believer in earning respect, and not automatically getting it along with a title/salutation. If you call me by my name instead of Doctor Fadz, it won't diminish me, not a whit.
24. My greatest strength and my greatest weakness are Mama, Kasha and Faiz (now extended to Ayis, Arwen and Ili). They make me stronger. They shape me into a better person. They make me want to reach higher so that I can provide for them as they have provided for me all my life.
However, my strength is brittle. I am better, but not without paying a price. I don't even think I can survive without any one of them. I am Icarus, reaching ever higher.
The fall will break me.
25. Instead of complaining how whitewashed the literature world is, how persons of color and women are considered a novelty, use the time and effort to write bloody great stories that resonate throughout the ages. Write stories whose greatness cannot be denied. All I hear is empty whining and no substance. Face it. The world doesn't care about you.
Same goes with everything else. Be great. Achieve greatness. Shine brighter than the sun. Stop complaining about how unfair the world is and be the one who rewrites the rules.
26. A part of me will never stop from hoping Reza and I will be as brothers again. He was the only one I trusted my deepest and darkest secrets with despite the fact that he broke my trust time and again. He was a big part of my life, and just like Mama and my siblings, he shaped me into a stronger and a better person. I had intended to make him my legal health proxy. I keep telling people who are worried about me that I've given up, but just like my faith in God, no matter how derailed I am, I'm tethered to a delicate yet unbreakable thread.
Still, when love turns to hate, even time has difficulty healing a broken bond.
27. I have killed people throughout my six years working as a doctor. I have killed people, and I will have to live with their faces in my head. I have killed people because I have not done enough, I have not learned enough, I wasn't fast enough. You can tell me I'm not God and I shouldn't berate myself too much, but when a person trusts his or her life in your hands and you let it slip away, your hands remain empty and bloodied.
The reason I'm pursuing a Master's Degree in Neurosurgery is because I need to equip myself with enough knowledge and wisdom to know when not to operate on a patient. I need to learn to minimize the damage should I have no choice but to proceed with the surgery. I need to learn enough to be able to explain to patients and their families in great detail so that they can come to an informed consent.
I am not God. I am only human. But everyday humans don't have the lives of other humans in their care for the critical duration between life and death.
I have killed people, and I will kill more in the future, even though others say inability to prevent a patient from dying does not equate to killing them.
And I will have to live with this my whole life.
28. I find weddings depressing. People keep bombarding me with questions about girlfriends and marriage. Why is everyone so convinced that to be happy and successful in life, you have to have a spouse and kids?
People. I am happy. I am well. I don't need a significant other, not at the moment. Can't you just let me be, and let me concentrate on passing my Master's Degree within the allocated 4 years and not a minute more than that?
Seriously. I am happy. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely.
With all things said and done, should someone appear who makes my heart flutter, who immediately activates my protective instincts, who can argue with me about philosophical matters well into the night, who I can't resist capturing in photographs and illustrations....
Well, a guy can always dream, can't he?
29. I think Kasha and I are language purists. I don't mind Manglish. It gives a certain flavor when not overused. I don't really care if people mix words from different languages in one sentence. But come on. Use proper spellings or something phonetically acceptable. This sudden rise in baby and weird spellings is pissing me off. And if you can't use English well, don't flaunt it as if you can. Errors while you're learning is fine, but if you keep making the same mistakes again and again, like, what the hell?
Women who smoke are a major turnoff. Women with armpit hair and hairy legs are a major turnoff. Women who wear the hijab while at the same time commit immoral acts are a major turnoff. Women who mangle a language (or two) while thinking it's endearing ARE A MAJOR TURNOFF.
In the spirit of being politically correct, men who mangle a language (or two) while thinking it's cool make me WANT TO ROLL THEM OVER WITH MY CAR. DOUBLE-TAPPED.
30. I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and great friends. I am truly blessed with excellent education and a noble vocation. I am blessed with artistic talents. But should I lose everything, I hope I'll always have my family. Because they are everything to me, and without them....
I can't even think about life without them.
I love you. Always know that, even during the times I make you so angry you hate me with all your guts. I love you even when you don't understand me half the time. I love you even when you make me so angry I want to knuckle you head. But I'll never hate you.
You are the king of inserting humor just when I was getting too serious. ;)
Happy Birthday again! I hope it was fabulous. And God bless you for #23.
Posted by: Breanna | Thursday, October 20, 2011 at 08:12 PM
Well said. It's good to know a guy who has a solid sense of who he is, warts and all.
Posted by: John Ling | Monday, October 24, 2011 at 12:45 PM
You really should write a story or two about Reza.
Posted by: John Ling | Monday, October 24, 2011 at 02:10 PM
Thanks, Raven and John.
Write a story or two about Reza. I have, actually, several throughout the years. I include the people I hold dear to me in my stories.
However, the saddest story for me to write is about letting go. Because, once I do it, it's final.
Posted by: Fadzlishah Johanabas | Tuesday, October 25, 2011 at 07:22 PM
Some time before I left, I bought her a PC and set aside a few days to at minimum teach her how to email. I am NOT exaggerating when I tell you that mouse skills alone took a full day to master. However, by the time I left she was able to Google, email and check on-line banking. I am wicked proud of these skills, which she still possesses. Sort of. She still DOES these things, but they're usually preceded by her clicking on her browser and then whining about how the new page doesn't pop up IMMEDIATELY because WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG?
Posted by: Cheap uggs | Friday, October 28, 2011 at 03:09 PM