Back to Basics

I haven't written a decent post in over a month, now. Same goes with my fiction writing. I'm in the middle of a novella project (between 20k and 30k words), and I have the complete story in my head. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to translate anything into writing. Not only that, I'm supposed to be studying and preparing for my Master's program admission interview. Instead, I've been downloading silly games into my iPad.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Here's the deal: I used to write as an outlet for my bottled-up emotions, frustrations, yearnings, and aspirations. Having spent a lifetime making sure whatever I do turns up good if not great, I never write for the sake of writing. Not that I'm saying my stories when I started this path were any good -- in my defense, I had thought they were good then. So I'm not a vanity writer. Glad we manage to establish that. Writing is just like figure drawing for me. I'm proficient if not amazing -- if I've instilled a sense of wonder, I'm not aware of it -- but most of all, I love both writing and drawing. They have always been just mine, things I've learned on my own, things I do for myself.

Even though almost everyone says practice makes perfect, that you have to keep at it and you'll gradually get better, I find that it doesn't work for me. Just like solutions in gaming problems, improvements come to me in revelations. Sounds wishy-washy, right? I think this comes with self-taught endeavors. With drawing, I turn to books and magazines, and I also check out other people's drawings online, at sites like Deviantart and GFXartist. I've always been able to draw since I was small, but I don't do it often. Usually when I'm bored. When I 'discover' a new technique, such as shading methods, I would have that 'aha' moment, try it out, get excited at my own improvement, and then stop for a while. Rinse and repeat.

When it comes to writing, I learned the rules from books on writing. I continually learn characterization and plot from watching movies/TV series and from reading novels/anthologies/stories. I take what works and apply it in my writing. I learn how to create problems and how to solve them from playing computer games. I also learn how to visualize my stories from playing games. I can't exactly gauge my improvement. I only know, from reading older works, what I did wrong, and what didn't work for the stories. I don't even know what my standard of writing is. All I know is that there are people who think my stories are well-written, while my trusted readers and reviewers see past that and point out the things that don't work. Personally, as long as I get rejection slips from premier venues, I'm still not great. Well, Cosmos Magazine has just published my story, "Act of Faith", and Poe Little Thing accepted my flash fiction written in 2009, both of them professional-paying venues (5cents/word). Apex Magazine is still holding on to my horror story (76 days and counting), and another story passed through to the third tier (luxurious slush, from which editors choose to publish) of Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine (ASIM), where it was then rejected. My writer friends say going as far as I did was an achievement in itself. To me, it was still rejected.

But I think this is where the source of my paralysis lies. Whenever I attempt writing, it is now aimed at publication at professional-paying markets. Token payment? Contributor's copy? 1cent per word? Eh. Not inspired. Maybe my lesser works, but not my best ones. Now that I've penetrated the professional market, I worry about what people think of my work(s). Am I a one-hit wonder, my professional sales a fluke, or can I repeat the feat? I also worry about finishing a novel and sending it to an agent/publisher before I start my Master's degree next June -- provided I get accepted into the program. Or should I write stories for an anthology I have planned, and send the collection to a local publisher first? I'm way over my head with worries and speculations that I'm stuck in the middle of this crossroad.

I need to go back to basics. I need a reminder why I love writing in the first place. I keep on going back to movies that used to inspire me, but that no longer does the trick. I should finish writing that novella because it's a commitment I have made with my friends. I will read 'Essential Neurosurgery' for at least an hour a day, no excuses. As for other stories? I don't think writing for the highest bidder equals selling out. THe higher the payment means bigger funding means larger readership. I still want to leave my mark in the world. I've found a way to do it.

Wish me luck.

In the meantime, I'll end this post with a couple of my figure drawings. You be the judge if I'm any good.

Stairway to Heaven, August 2006